Climbing out of rock bottom

Climbing out of rock bottom has been a roller coaster of a journey for me and it all began with giving myself some time to just be. Writing this post has reminded me of just how far I have come Alhamdulillah.

Rock Bottom

3 – 4 years ago, a couple of years after I had hit rock bottom, I managed to crawl out of bed and make my way to a course about Naturopathy.

I also arranged an appointment and spoke with my teacher about my various ailments at the time. The list was endless.  Really..It went on and on and on. My body was is so much pain. 

The first step

My teacher paused and told me to do just 1 thing. He told me to start with affirmations. I didn’t understand the relevance  of it at the time. He got a pen and paper and said ‘Why don’t you start with something simple. Write ”I am a good person.”  I instantly said ‘NO, I am not.’  

I was so taken aback. Not only by what I had said but also my tone. I hadn’t even realised that I felt that way. It was during that session that I realised that I had began to hate myself to such a degree that I couldn’t bring myself to say one kind thing about who I was. I blamed myself for everything negative going on in and around me. 

My teacher remained quiet and gently reversed the paper back. 

Reflection

When I think back to that moment, i think about how this was the first time i had truly opened up. It was the first time I felt heard in a really long time. Had I stayed at home and not got on the course, I don’t think I would have ever got into tune with what I was feeling. I wouldn’t have allowed myself the time to sit still long enough with my thoughts/feelings. 

How my healing journey began

My healing began after my daughter started nursery because until then, I didn’t have time to think, space to feel or the desire to change my life.

Before I was married, I had always dealt with my problems by running away. I spent so much time outside of home and in other cities that my mum would often joke that I should buy flats in those places. (Wish I had. Imagine the ££££££ I would have racked up by now).

I would often numb myself by watching TV, eating or always being around friends till the early hours of the morning, doing nothing. So i had no idea how to feel any negative emotions. I avoided confrontation and conflicts too. I would never face up to any thing I was feeling. So for years and years, my trauma lay buried, dormant under all of that. Until I could no longer escape.

Then, a time came in my life, where i was forced to sit with my emotions and face the traumas I had experienced and believe me, I resisted as hard as I could. I had been so terrified of feelings and had avoided them all my life. I wasn’t ready to take the challenge on now either. 

The challenges at the time

At the time, my husband was working very long hours and regularly coming home after 8pm, he often worked nights too which meant weekends were taken up too. I had 2 very active and loud kids under 2 (one of whom was extremely clingy and anxious around any strangers), and I had no support network, no money, no one to fall back on, no one to visit, no one to spend time with other then myself and my kids.

There was no escape – no meals out, mo take outs, no holidays and no breaks. Our house was small, cramped and dark. I had no car and was totally reliant upon my husband. My health was deteriorating and a new ailment arrived every month. Both myself and my husband were over worked. 

Even hospital appointments were spent with kids clinging off of me and as much as I loved them, I just wanted space to breathe. My bucket was over flowing.

What does rock bottom look like?

It isn’t pretty.

Rock bottom for me was when I had nothing left and I couldn’t even give myself basic self care. I wish I could tell you the depths I went to and how close I was to not wanting to not be here anymore, and the way I neglected myself. Suffice to say, it was pretty grim.

Moving on

Healing began with a conversation in which I finally felt seen and heard. Not long after that, I started to give myself time. My daughter started part time nursery and I was able to breathe.

I broke, I prayed, I went for therapy to process the past, I sat in solitude, I journalled and journalled and talked and walked and got to know myself all over again. I allowed myself to feel, to wail, to break, to cry, to scream, to shout, to be heard..

I accepted that my feelings were valid and were there for a reason.

Pause

For the past year, I have been very intentional about making space for myself. I have started to incorporate little bits of self care into my day to day life and I wanted to share a little bit of what that journey looked like.

Here are some of the ways i began to learn to be me again and some suggestions for how you can start do the same:

1. Doing nothing – Set some time aside every day to do nothing at all or something you enjoy. This can be as simple as just creating space or a window for yourself to just be. Do nothing. Give yourself permission to rest. As little as 5 minutes is fine. This can also serve as a way for you to get to know who you are and what matters to you. 

2. Work on your morning routine – Our morning and evening routines often set the tone for our entire day. There is no one size fits all and that means you are in the driving seat! You can tailor make a morning routine that works for you.

Some of the things I like to do are Praying, Journalling, A Gratitude Practice, Affirmations, Meditation, Reading, Walking, Earthing and listening to something uplifting.

I realise that seems like a lot and I don’t do all of it everyday. The key here is to do what you want and can do and if that means you can’t do anything other then just stare into space, do that. Do not pressure yourself into a picture perfect routine. It comes with time.

When I break my routine down it looks more like this:

Gratitude – I am still in bed and thanking God for another day, another opportunity for doing good and all the various blessings that I have in my life.

Praying – Morning prayers and special prayers that help me get through a hectic day ahead.

Meditation – Usually 5 –  20 minutes depending on how I am feeling. This is sometimes visualisation instead.

Journalling – I do this on mornings when I really need to. It helps me to analyse my thoughts and understand what I need to move forward. Some days, I will skip this entirely or do it at a later time in the day.

Affirmations – I have 3 key affirmations for the year. 3 big goals. I try to say or write them down daily. I also have a stack of cards with affirmations on them and pick one out each day to say out loud.

Energy Work/Earthing/Body Tapping – I try to do some grounding and energy work daily. More on that soon.

Reading – I like to read a page or 2 of an uplifting book before the day takes over.

Walking and listening to uplifting podcasts – I can’t tell you how much I love this. Walking has been a huge part of my healing.

I make all of the above a priority by waking up extra early to squeeze it all in. I try to wake up at 5 am ish every morning. I don’t always manage it but I do wake up early more often then not. It is my favorite part of the day.

These things are ways of giving to myself before other responsibilities take over my day. It is a way of being kind to myself first thing in the morning and allowing that to flow through my entire day.

3. Self Compassion – I observe my thoughts, and release them without judgement. I am my best friend and ally. 

4. Take Good Care of Yourself – One of the best ways to show yourself kindness is to take good care of yourself. Things like getting enough sleep, and getting some form of exercise on a regular basis all fits into being kind to yourself. Implementing some skincare or pampering into your morning/evening routine also helps. Eating well (whatever that looks like for you – there is no perfect diet) and keeping your surroundings (whether online or otherwise), clutter free falls under this category too. Start with one thing.

5. Affirmations and Self Talk – We’ve all had times in our lives when we’ve thought..’I’m not enough’. That leads to a negative self image. Replace that with ‘I’m enough, just as I am’, ‘I’m worthy’, ‘I deserve to be happy’ and whatever other message you feel needs reinforcing in you. This may change daily. Close your eyes and let your mind be the guide.

6. Live with intention – You can only honour your dreams, when you believe in yourself, have faith in your own abilities and in your own judgment. Don’t look for outside validation. Instead focus on what you know about yourself and reach for the stars. Remind yourself of your intentions and work from that place. Keep reminding yourself of what you want and take it from there. Be around greatness but don’t invest your entire life into watching others. It is so easy to get drawn into other people’s lives, take on their dreams and get lost along the way. Go inwards time and time again and ask what you want/need. Honour your hopes and dreams. Try and remember the things you loved to do as a child, what would you do even if you could earn nothing from it, tune into your skills and remember what makes you you. 

7. Surround yourself with positivity – You are the sum of the five people you spend the most time with. If those people are negative or always sharing sad news, they will drain you. If like me you rarely see people on a day to day basis, your social media timeline really matters. I follow people who make me feel happy, who share good news, who are really upbeat because it is all too easy to get drawn into negativity. And if Social Media feels like too much, take a step back. I take months off at a time. I know that from a business perspective ‘I shouldn’t’, but actually it comes back to knowing exactly what you want.

Whilst we’re on the subject of positive influences, surround yourself with people who are out there doing things. Surround yourself with people who have big dreams and want to make a positive impact on the world. Surround yourself with people who care about things that matter to you.

Surround yourself with people who you can be yourself around, who love you and accept you as you are and in whose company you like the person you are.

For now..if all you can manage is nothing, then do that. Remember that, nurturing you and being kind to yourself comes before anything, anyone and any list. What works for you in this moment? For me the first step was just sitting still and then came the journalling just once a week to try and gain an understanding of what was going on inside me.  Start slowly and things will fall into place naturally.