When Self Care is not possible

There are times in life when Self Care is not possible. A few years ago during a particularly anxious phase in my life, if someone had told me to think about self care I may have just cried my eyes out and run out of the room. I didn’t have the capacity to focus on self care and I didn’t want to add yet another thing to what felt like an already burgeoning list of things to do. Life already felt overwhelming enough. What I needed was Community Care..

Survival

You see, self care during times when you can barely get out of bed is not a thing. My priority when I was ill, was just muddling through the day in whatever way I could.

At that time, what I needed more then anything was people – a community. I desperately needed a support network and I really wanted people to care. 

No amount of Self Care would have worked when I was feeling so much dysregulation within me.

The simple truth was that I just wasn’t well. I was battling what felt like an uphill battle with depression and anxiety. Whilst I was in that bubble, there was no space for self care. It didn’t even cross my mind.  

Self Discipline

Many times we hear the idea that Self Care is sometime self discipline and I agree to a degree. When you have the resources, self discipline is a part of self care but when you do not, it isn’t as easy to climb out of the hole, set routines or work towards anything.

When you do have the resources to move forward, you have to decide whether it is the soothing type of self care you need or the type of self care that involves you taking a long hard look at yourself and giving yourself a kick up the rear end if needed…but that often comes later down the line.

Self Care Lists

Blog Posts and Articles around Self Care Lists are great and very useful. These pieces although well intentioned, are not for times when you feel like you are drowning. They came in handy after the ‘just surviving’ stage because when you are already feeling overwhelmed, lost, tired and just done with life, adding yet another thing to the to do list feels overwhelming. 

Community Care

When I see myself at my best and really enjoying life, I always have the energy to do things. I am never chained to my bed wallowing in self loathing. I make myself healthy food and have enough money to go out and do the things I love. Most importantly, I can take care of myself. The ill version of my self couldn’t.

That version of myself needed help via a community – people and systems.. and what does that look like?

I needed people to just be there and hold me together for a bit and just check in now and again. I needed short term help, just till I got back on my feet again.

I needed support from people be that via social media groups or a local community group. 

Not everyone has a support network though and not everyone around an anxious person, knows how to or feels like they can reach out.

However, If you know someone has no family or friends nearby and you notice that they are not around much, reach out.

They may resist, brush you off and avoid you at first but eventually they will open up because they need to be heard.

The first time someone noticed me and asked how I was doing, I spilled my guts out and it was one of the things that started me off on my healing journey.

We need people because all of the self care in the world doesn’t make up for the fact that we are social beings and heal and grow in community. 

We also need systems that support us in caring for our basic needs. 

During this stage in my life, I could not access childcare because the cost was astronomical. It would have cost the same for me to go back to work and send the kids to nursery. We did the sums for various possibilities and it was more cost effective for me to be home with the kids whilst I worked on my business. 

Why people isolate themselves

People who are struggling physically or mentally, hardly ever reach out for a variety of reasons such as;

They don’t want to be a burden;

They don’t feel anyone will understand;

They are embarrassed;

They have been shut down previously.

The more they isolate themselves, the worse it gets because understandably people can take it personally when you are repeatedly not turning up to their gatherings. 

Anxiety Guilt

At the time when I was struggling, I had really bad anxiety. The guilt around anxiety is intense. You want so badly to go to places and be involved but can’t and then you are confronted about it or made aware that people are talking about you, that then exacerbates the problem and the cycle continues making the anxiety even worse.

I can’t think of a word that describes it better then ‘crippling’. Anxiety is very very physical. This really is a time where outside help is essential.

Symptoms of Anxiety

‘As a result of this cycle of anxiety and guilt, people living with anxiety overthink things, read into expressions, tones, gestures, and words. This can be wearing, increasing the symptoms of anxiety:

• Physical symptoms – headaches, stomach aches, chest pains, muscle tension, sleep disturbances, and more.
• Emotional symptoms – feeling on-edge, defensive, irritable, sorrowful, apologetic. 
• Behavioral symptoms clinginess, over-apologising, trying to take action to compensate for the supposed transgression, and other attempts to please others, avoid judgment, and other actions meant to right perceived wrongs and/or repair relationships.’ www.Healthyplace.com

Knowing what to do

In short.. if self care feels overwhelming or like a burden, it probably means that you need help from others at this stage in your life. It will pass.

For those struggling, when self care feels like too much of an ask, lean on people around you if you can. These people could be people from your friend and family circle, people from the community, therapists or even people online. Take all the help you can get until you are you again. 

And to those who can see your fellow community members in pain, reach out and give them a helping hand. 

**This post is written with those who are struggling with mental health issues in mind (such as depression or anxiety). This is for informational purposes only and based on my own experience. It is not a substitute for mental health care. I am not a Mental Health professional. If you are struggling,  please seek professional help or visit the Mind website.